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These last days I found some MVs from bangtan and it really affected me.

You know, i have something for bangtan that I can't really explain. I feel like they are some kind of lost friends of mine from a parallel world. I think this is the best way I could explain it.
I just identify so so much with them in a level i've never felt before with anything. Mostly cause they're real. For example, my favorite MV is "I Need U" cause it shows their friendship and how they're happy when together. But then, it also shows their sadness and problems that are quite deep. 

I know, it's like that for everyone. No one is only happy or only sad. But, I can identify a lot with them cause I'm at their age and mostly I am sad. It seems like I can never get rid of this teenage angst and depression.

But at least they have each other (even though they don't seem to show their weakness to each other). Hmm, I'm not happy and I don't think I'll ever be.
And assuming it makes everything much easier. There is no fake hopes and happy plans. Now my biggest hope is to die as soon as possible. In any day, if I died, I wouldn't be sad. But unfortunately it's impossible to die and not hurt other people.

I was living kinda happy those last months but all the time I felt like I shouldn't, and I wanted to cry to bring it all back but I couldn't. Then someone said something that brought it all. The person wasn't rude or mean, but it hurt. I cried a lot that day and maybe in result of the  time I was repressing those feelings, I hit myself a lot that day. Sometimes I have those urges to get hurt. So I hit myself in the face and punch my arms and head. It's never enough cause I live with my family and if I show up with bruises at dinner time they'll ask questions. They can't help me anyway, so I hide it.

I have no dreams or hopes, but I'll try. The few things I really want is to travel and listen to lots of music. So, in order to live quietly and to be able to do those things, I'll live as longs as I'm alive. But always hoping for the next day is the last day.