from the dungeons

Hi.

Maybe I shouldn't have created a new blog. This one is my past
I think I was denying and trying to ignore it but that was wrong.

fuck, my mind is terrible.

But well, we'll see.

goodbye.

~Im not happy

A tight knot for a peaceful mind

I close my eyes
Suddenly I'm in a 24h diner by the roadside
It's past midnight and it's really cold
I ordered waffles and strawberry juice but I can't even touch it
Can't bear to put it in my mouth and chew it
All of a sudden it seems very unnatural, almost a profanity

So there I sit with an empty stomach waiting for something, anything, to change me

I guess I'm just too emotional today
I can feel everything without even touching it: The frozen air, the iron extremities of the tables, the curtains, the fabric of the employees' clothes... 
Maybe that's it
I'm absorbing too much from this world and giving nothing back

I'm sorry universe
I'm sorry that I can't even say I'm doing my best, cause I ain't.
Truth is, I should be out of this world
You and me, we both know this is not my home
All this... I can't understand.

So I take a sip of the juice and get up
Make my way home with my empty mind and heart
It's cold here too, so It's perfect. It's all correct
In this very moment I appreciate the fact that I live in a building
These thick iron bars are meant to prevent anyone from going further than they should, but I think it's time to give them a story.

So with the rope I was supposed to exercise with a knot starts to be made.
Very cautiosly. We don't want to lose this chance.
Repeating the hand movements that used to be done for fun I get to what I need
So I close my jacket tight and look at the view for the last time
It's still very dark but there are some lights on. It must be around three a.m.
While looking at this city for the last time I wish good luck for all these blinded citizens that will open theirs eyes soon. 
I hope they never see the truth I did.

Finally I place it around my neck and pull the knot tight on the back.

Its time to become what I always was: nothing.

Download List: June

This month was quite nice for listening to new music so I updated my ears a bit by listeninig to these songs below.

It's been a cold month here in south america and mnothing better than music to keep my ears and body warm.
So these were the music that got me through surviving this month:

1. Fidlar, No Waves
2. SISTAR, Lonely
3. Maroon 5, Payphone
4. Without You, G Dragon
5. Gorillaz, Let Me Out
6. Zico, She's a Baby
7. Jimmy Eat World, Sweetness
8. 9nine, ジタバタ
9. Ciara, I Bet

 I'm not feeling like writing about them and also it's so cold here that it's hard to type so I'll just leave the list here.

P.S.: My favorite song was "She's a Baby"

Dear money, please come to me

Ok, I'll take my time to talk about money.

Long story short, I'm broke. And there are things I want to buy but can't because I got to save some money too.

Clothes are what I've been feeling most needy now. I don't have much variety of them, actually if you look at my closet, it's quite sad.
No one could have a good image wearing only those clothes.

And there's also my stuff I wanted to buy cause they make me happy. 
A new stuffed toy, a lip gloss, a black and simple backpack, and music (including CDs). 

For now I'll just keep holding myself back and pay attention  to my accounts.

No place for me in here

I've been nothing.

I try to read,  but I can't.
I try to listen to music, but I can't.
I try to connect with anything, but I can't.

I can't feel anything. Sometimes I get euphoric and all smiles, but it only lasts about one hour, then I'm back at being empty.

What I really need is to be alone. Not for some hours in somewhere special, but I need my own house. Somewhere where I can do my stuff slowly and gradually feel like I'm growing up.
I need it. I need my own place.

Meanwhile, I guess surviving it's all I can do.

The clouds will come to protect you, my noble love

I feel sorry about not writing in here for some time.
But it's been a bad month and I couldn't get my thoughts straight
My routine has been me feeling confused and unable to do normal things.

I guess I'm still affected by the robbery me and my family suffered. It was shit.
Now I understand that it was too much to deal with. The disrespect, violence, rudeness, incapacity of defense and mostly, the injustice.
Cause we couldn't get our belongings back, and never will.

Though I'm slowly getting over it, I shall never forget.

For one thing this situation was good for; It reminded me of my childhood dream of getting out of this country. I never wanted to live here; It got nothing to do with me.
Now I'm really calculating my future steps so I can get out of here. I'm thinking Canada.


Step by step, five years from now, I should be close to my dream.

Employee of The Month: =THE DEVIL=

This last month was like someone had lost the keys of my  'bad luck door' that was closed for a long time, and suddenly they found. And when it was open, it was found that there was a great deal of bad luck that kept on piling up behind that door. And before they could think that it was a bad idea and close the door again, a gigantic bad luck wave came out and broke the door and everything that was near it, and spread herself through every room nearby.

I was the house.

Yes, I think I can say that they were unlucky days these last few ones.
To begin, my anti-depressive medicine seems to have forgotten what it was made for and just goes down my body without results. So I've been feeling strange, cold, away, sad, frustrated and unmotivated.

But the golden point was that on Mother's Day, me, my sisters and MY MOTHER were robbed while waiting for a bus to try and have a nice family lunch.
It really affected me. The thoughts of them simply coming and taking away our stuff just kept going around in my head and I would punch walls and beds everytime.

But I guess there was nothing I could do, mostly because I was so frozen and shocked. Now I know I should always keep my cellphone close to me.