from the dungeons

Hi.

Maybe I shouldn't have created a new blog. This one is my past
I think I was denying and trying to ignore it but that was wrong.

fuck, my mind is terrible.

But well, we'll see.

goodbye.

~Im not happy

No thoughts in this mind, no life in this heart

I don't have good news. But do I ever?

My mind is still stuck. I thought it wouldn't happen anymore because of the medicine. Maybe it's taking time to start working because of the days that I couldn't take them.

I couldn't study in a long time. I'm wasting a chance, and I can't do this.
My true feelings seem to be buried very deep, and I can't reach them. I don't know what I'm really feeling or what I really think, if I think at all.

Sudden words like "think!", "Grow up!", "don't even think about it", and when it gets painful, "please stop it" has been popping up in my head more than it should.
I can't even find music to console me right anymore.

It's all a giant blank in my head,and in my chest.

I'm trying to watch movies to react to something, but maybe books will work better.  All I know is I got to wake myself up soo.

To do real write should help too. Like, to write on paper, a manual work.
It used to make me feel better.

---------------------

One of the movies I watched these days was Empire Records, and it is now part of my list of favorite movies. The character I liked the most was Mark, because he respects music and takes it seriously. Also, he is really cute.

And so I'll leave with this empowering gif of him :)

バイバイ

Fuck it, give me the pills

こんにちは。

This week I committed the stupidity of not paying attention on the amount of my medicines and my antidepressant ran out so I had to stay without it for some days.

I didn't think it would make a big difference in my humor so fast, but it kinda did.

I got kinda sad and started to be emotionless and irritated at the same time.
So I asked my mother to buy it for me and I'll start taking them again tomorrow.
I guess I'll have to use them for a bit long time, maybe years.

It was bad feeling like that again, but at the same time I could remember how I used to feel.
It's weird to be too happy cause that's not who I am, I guess.

I'll try to control myself better not to be too happy cause it's no good.
And it's not myself, so I shouldn't do it. Being too happy.
There are other things I should focus on.

 -------

 Anyway, I'm happy that the month is coming to an end. There are things I want to buy but without being charged for it next month cause my debt is already impossible.



👆This is a  new song from Blink 182 from their California Deluxe album (that I'm already wishing). It's simply great.

Well, that's all. Let's hope for time to pass unexpectedly fast.

バイバイ😴

あの瞬間が 私は嬉しかった きっと

こんにちは

I did a lot of thinking these days and it helped. I got more calm and I feel like I'm back to "normal" now. Don't know for how long it will last.

The classes I had this week helped.
I've been feeling more and more comfortable around my classmates.
Maybe we're even becoming friends.

I simply feel really happy around them. Hope I can give some of this for them too.

It's amazing to build a relationship with someone.
The initial awkwardness, getting to know about the person, the feeling welcomed around them and suddenly, on a normal day you just feel so comfortable and happy with them and the word "friend" come into your mind.
"yes... maybe that's what we are now" you think.
And like that you feel a little more secure and grow a bit.

Maybe I'm being too dramatic, but that's how my mind works, and I'm happy. 

So I'll just continue growing and staying small me.

頑張ってしましょう!


￪love this song

バイバイ🍢

A heart on replay

] 

All day, i've been anxious
my thoughts were uncompleted, my muscles trembling
I have been eating like crazy today

I'm stuck again
I was fearing those feelings might come back again

I won't allow it. I just can't.
Yesterday I could already feel myself getting smaller and melting really slowly.

Maybe I should get sad and more calm. That would be good
I want to feel calm, And a sort of emptiness.
They have always been my friends, my allies.
It's just natural that i miss them.

I... don't know if that's who i am... maybe it is, but I hate it.
If that's who i am than I hate it.
I don't wanna be like this. I don't accept it!
 

So the night comes to me again today, this time it feels so friendly
I can't just slamn the door
 

I welcome you, today. 

風が最悪です

Hello!


 After a long time (at least one year and a half) of healthy life, i got sick. One day before I had class (Wednesday) I had running nose, but I thought it was just an allergy. But then on Thursday's dawn I woke up with my body aching and feeling like my face were 3 times heavier. That's when I concluded I got a flu.

At the beginning I worried that I wouldn't be able to go to class. But I stubbornly decided that I would go anyway. I simply took a vitamin pill, took a shower and left.

Luckily I didn't stay at home cause the class that day was great.

Also, I did an experience of using a mask, like those flu masks on public and all went well. No one even stared at me or anything. 
Good to know this cause I'll use it in future.
~


Oh, Gorillaz is going to release their new album on 28th April. A couple of songs were already released and we can hope for a really good album.
Also,I found out that Good Charlotte released a music video of a new song and this song sounds much more like they used to on early days.
How I missed it <3 span="">

Seems like I'll have a good number of songs to listen this month :)

バイバイ

Too stupid to live

One more weekend passed by and I didn't do the things I should have done.
Though I'm getting better, it's still not good.
I'm taking better care of myself like hair care, skin care and personal things like these. But I must improve at study, and soon. 

Just recently I realized (actually, completed the thought of) that my course is not that long and that I should use it while I can. I should make more questions to my professor, question all I can actually. Think more.

But when I start thinking about the things I should learn and try to separate them in different categories in my mind, I get dizzy cause it's so much!
And then I get anxious and run. And that's the part where I make my biggest mistake.

It's a little disappointing cause it's been like that since I was little. Always.
I think this is what I am more embarrassed about myself. 
Why is it so hard for me to think? I feel like I've never done it before.
It's like I think that when things start to get bad I can just stop everything and go home forever. Stupid.

I guess life just isn't for me. 
But now I was born and must live until I die.
But I'll always hope for death to be close.


 

Little clouds above this house

こんにちは、

I didn't write much in here this month, right?

Well, I got thinner this month. I weighed myself and now I have 44,70kg.

So I'm happier, but I could lose some more.

It was February so of course, there was carnival all over the place, so Rayane, my older sister took me and my twin for camping. 

It was really good to kind of shut down the world for two days and act like the world would never come back again.

But it did of course.

And there were bad news when we came back home.

We got home around 9PM and we were really tired so we barely touched our baggage and just went to sleep. On the next day my twin said she was looking for her camera and wasn't finding it at all. That's when she thought and reminded that she could have forgot it on the bus's seat.

And we came to the conclusion that she really did.

She was wishing for this camera for about three years and this year she did it. 

She had it for a few more than one month and then this happened.

Everyone got really sad with it but we went after it and called the bus company, the bus station... everyone we could and left our contacts so they could call us if they find something.

And three days later, incredibly, they did.

Now we are supposed to fetch it on Monday.

Everything's good again and we can call this trip a success.

またね。💖