Set up the map and look ahead

"I think I try too hard
How I look, what I do, what I'm sayin'
I spend too much time explainin' myself
I hope there's some time to change it"

 This is a part of a the neighbourhood's song: cry baby.
And yes, I relate to a lot.

So, the course I was going to do actually started already.
Last thursday. I felt great, I seemed to do well.
I still think I did. But now I'm nervous about the future classes.

Mostly cause that's what happened the other time when I tried the college thing. 
I'm guessing that the best for me is to go there just to learn.
But truth is I really want to meet good people. And there I saw some of them that I'd like to know better.

My psychiatrist appointment is only on march. Two months from now. I really needed to be seeing one now. I guess I'll just have to wait.

I just hope I get to wait till there.

I need people like me, who understand. And I also wish to be a help to them. I GOT TO.

I just want to learn and make a good job, you know?

I just want to grow up.

 

Blood magnet

Hey, what's up?

So, I found a video these days, "maniac". It was directed by Shia Labeouf and the actors are Kid Cudi and Cage.

Well, I loved that video.
I've been realizing that I'm liking these kind of stuff more recently.
Like killing and so...

I don't know what it means. Like, I don't think I'm a bad person. At least not until now. Everyone can change.

Actually instead of killing other people I would like much more to be able to kill myself various times. I would really enjoy it. I would probably have already jumped from buildings at least 5 times and I would like to hurt myself really bad and die from bleeding. And maybe also hang myself. But I'm not sure about that one, since it seems too uncomfortable.

Anyway. I like this killing thing. Whether is me or other people.
For example, someone I admire is Dylann Roof. I really like that boy.

Of course I don't admire what he did but... I don't know. I feel like if I lived close to him I would have a crush on him, and I have crush at no one. NO FUCKING ONE. 

Well. I will do my best to keep it in control. But I don't think I want it to works out.
haha.

The super adult agenda

Hey, what's up?

This is the update :)

So,this thursday 19th was my mother's birthday.
We went to the cinema and it was very fun.

But then finally, I had a chance to buy my agenda for this year!🎉

It's my first "adult" agenda. It has:

- Moss green fabric cover
- One date per page
- Clean pages
- Regressive daily count of the remaining days of the year
- Days of the week written in japanese
- World wide holidays
- A marker to mark the day

And some other things that I don't remember right now.
(I'm sorry for the bad pictures is just that my hands shake too much when I'm taking pictures, god knows why)

Anyway, I loved it! and now I can organize better my schedule.
Not that I have a full and messy schedule but still, I can get confused with it so, better have.

-------------

Ah, just a discovery about myself that I made this week: It is very bad for me to stay too long in the house.
Because of my anxiety, after too long staying in the house, when I go out I can freak out a bit. I'll try not to do it anymore. 
Even count the days so I can always have a balance.

-------------

Well, that's it. Hope I have another great week this time too.

Bye~


 

Little lies for a new life

Hello there.

Well, three days ago I said that I wanted to buy the series I Am Not a Serial Killer's second book, right?
Turns out I already bought it.

haha

I'm just really loving this series.

The point is, I have always thought and wished that I could analyze myself better and therefore, change the things in me that I dislike.
And I think John Cleaver is very good at it. Actually, he doesn't change himself, but conceals the bad things in him that may scare people off.

So, I was thinking about starting to do it with myself.
I guess what I want the most is to improve what I say when I'm talking to other people. Like, I always feel like I'm sounding stupid.
I am very passive and affected by everyone, and it shows out a lot.
I hate it about myself. How much I'm stupid and weak i seem even to people I don't have anything to do with (that includes everyone, i think).
 
So, I will start faking all my responses. I know that lying shouldn't be the answer but I think that for people like John and me, we're too weird to be able to show ourselves the way we are, so I'll really start to lie.

I don't give a shit, I just want people to leave me alone and interfere as less as possible. Just like he does.

The answer to me is to be dark and alone. This is for the best.

I hope they make a second movie of this book - Mr. Monster.
I already miss Max Records in the role of John.

I wish I could know someone like him and be a relief spot in his life just like he would be in mine.

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE - Book week~

Hey, what's up?
This will be just an update 😉

I finally watched a movie on Netflix that I've been tempted to watch for some time now. "I am not a serial Killer" was a movie that I thought would be too appealing to teenage drama but It wasn't it even a bit.

I won't say much about the story here. Mostly cause I'm the only one who reads this blog and I already know the story so, It's useless.

And so, was really interested to know more about the movie, the actors and all else I could find about it. Yes, I really love serial killers story.
First, I found out that the lead actor is the boy from the "Onde vivem os monstros" movie and I was surprised how he grew up so much!
I am always confused about kid's growth.

And then, I found out that it was from a book!
I hustled to find one to check the price and I found the kindle version (that thankfully, my sister has) and it was only R$3,60!

R$3,70!!! That's the cheapest book I have ever seen in my life that wasn't for children.

Then, of course, I bought it. And since unfortunately I don't have anything to do these days I started reading it. 
And it has been a long time since I felt such a excitement for reading a book.
I read it pretty quickly in compared to my natural pace: 2 days and a half.

And now I feel an urge to read the second book: Mr. Monster.
Cause It's actually a series book, three at total.

The other books are not as cheap as the first one, but now I know it's worth it.

I really liked the lead character, John Wayne. I can relate to him a little.
Maybe more than just a little but more than that, I really liked him.
All I want is for him to be happy the way he is, and if it's not too much to ask, without hurting anyone.

I hope I can buy the second book as soon as possible, but I must confess that my money situation is not the best right now... My family has a lot of expenses and I really wanted to be able to save some money for trips and stuff.

But when I get it, read it, and love it, I'll write here again :)

Byee~ 💕

Songs Of... December 2016 (of course)

So, I was already intending to reconnect to rock music cause I fell like I have been too pop and this is not who i am.

What I listen to really affects me and rock music is the one that makes me feel better.

Anyway, I was doing some search about an actor, Dane DeHann, and I found about a "movie" he is in called Metallica: Through The Never.

It didn't understand the plot but I really liked the style of the movie so I quickly looked for it's torrent (like real quick).

And when I watched I loved it. It reminded me of everything I wanted.

It inspired me again and then I went looking for new rock music I've been needing so much.

One thing led tot he other and here's the list of music for december!

• Metallica - Ride the Lightning [LIVE]
• Pierce the Veil - Dive in
• Pierce the Veil - Texas is forever
• Twice - TT
• The Vamps - Can we Dance
• Perfume - Pick Me Up
• Big Bang - FXXK It

 I like the live version of Metallica' song better cause his voice is more strong in it. And this live version was taken from the movie.

After listening to these PTV songs I want to buy the new CD.
But I want the phisical version and the dollar is up too high so, it will have to wait a bit :(
Texas is forever seems to me kinda like their very old songs, like from Selfish Machines.

This song from Twice, i was seeing some memes about it but I never really checked the song but is really good!
Quite addicting actually.

The vamps' song I heard in a store I was in.
When I came home i barely remembered the lyrics and it took me some time to find it but eventually, I did.

This Perfume's song is too good for shopping.
It just makes me want to go and buy a bunch of things.
The beat is good as always from perfume.

Big bang's song I thought it was kinda weak at first hearing but it is somewhat good. It's easier to like if you like the MV.

Anyway, that was it.
  
Now I'll leave here some of the prints I took from the movie just because.

 
 

It sucks, I know

Man, this house has been a mess.

My mother lost any respect anyone had for her in this house.

 Now my older sister is trying to get a house as fast as she can (and i hope she finds it as fast as she can, really)

But now even my other sister is saying she'll may go back to her other house in the other city. It was supposed to be her vacation and for her to rest here from all the stress from school she gets there but well, it didn't work.


Now things got quite confusing.
I don't really know what to think about my friend anymore
But i guess its ok cause I don't really have a friend.

I can already see this years is going to be the hardworking year.

I'll have to make great effort for things to maybe work out.

Well fuck, that's it.