The clouds will come to protect you, my noble love

I feel sorry about not writing in here for some time.
But it's been a bad month and I couldn't get my thoughts straight
My routine has been me feeling confused and unable to do normal things.

I guess I'm still affected by the robbery me and my family suffered. It was shit.
Now I understand that it was too much to deal with. The disrespect, violence, rudeness, incapacity of defense and mostly, the injustice.
Cause we couldn't get our belongings back, and never will.

Though I'm slowly getting over it, I shall never forget.

For one thing this situation was good for; It reminded me of my childhood dream of getting out of this country. I never wanted to live here; It got nothing to do with me.
Now I'm really calculating my future steps so I can get out of here. I'm thinking Canada.


Step by step, five years from now, I should be close to my dream.

Employee of The Month: =THE DEVIL=

This last month was like someone had lost the keys of my  'bad luck door' that was closed for a long time, and suddenly they found. And when it was open, it was found that there was a great deal of bad luck that kept on piling up behind that door. And before they could think that it was a bad idea and close the door again, a gigantic bad luck wave came out and broke the door and everything that was near it, and spread herself through every room nearby.

I was the house.

Yes, I think I can say that they were unlucky days these last few ones.
To begin, my anti-depressive medicine seems to have forgotten what it was made for and just goes down my body without results. So I've been feeling strange, cold, away, sad, frustrated and unmotivated.

But the golden point was that on Mother's Day, me, my sisters and MY MOTHER were robbed while waiting for a bus to try and have a nice family lunch.
It really affected me. The thoughts of them simply coming and taking away our stuff just kept going around in my head and I would punch walls and beds everytime.

But I guess there was nothing I could do, mostly because I was so frozen and shocked. Now I know I should always keep my cellphone close to me.

Songs of... April~

Here comes another month, and another music list.

Let's go!

1. Kis-My-Ft2 - AAO
2. Kis-My-Ft2 - 最後もやっぱり君
3. Kis-My-Ft2 - MU-CHU-DE 恋してる  
4. Kis-My-Ft2 - Novel (album ver.)
5. Good Charlotte - Makeshift Love
6. Kasper - Lean on me
7. Blink 182 - Parking Lot
8. Green Day - Basket Case
9. Girls' Generation - Baybe Maybe
10. Girls' Generation - Express 999
11. 4Minute - 살만찌고 (Only Gained Weight)

Instead of writing about each song individually, I think I rather to comment them inside of a text. So if I don't make any comment about a song, it's probably because I didn't like it very much😜

I guess the star of this moth was Kisumai, right? I listened to these four songs with passion throughout this month. My favorite song from this album is Novel.
Just love the chorus and the melody. 

This Kasper's song is quite lovely. I simply love the vibe it gets me into when I listen the song.

Basket Case... As soon as I heard the first words I remembered the song. I must have heard it in some teen movie but can't remember which.
Anyway, I still liked it very much. The lyrics are funny too.

Baby Maybe is a song I felt a little embarassed of downloading because I thought it was too romantic. But I miss listening Jessica's voice singing along with the other 8 girls that I had to have this song. I just miss those times.

Express 999 is a song I saw many people talking about, but never checked. Just like Baby Maybe, the biggest reason for me to downloading is Jessica's voice.
But it's GG, guess I would download it anyway.

And my favorite song from the month comes from a sadly disbanded girl group: 4Minute. I had NEVER EVER heard about this song. It's the main song from a single of them but it doesn't even have a MV.
Anyway, I LOVE this song. It reminds me of Nice Body from a singer I don't remeber the name, but without the bad lyrics.
Also, I liked to find an unknown song from 4Minute because like that, it's like they released a new album.

-------------------

Once more I was able to survive another month thanks to music.
It wasn't a good month, but neither it was awful. I just got to wake up from this anesthesia I've been feeling.

Hope this month that's begining to be a better one.

バイバイ

No thoughts in this mind, no life in this heart

I don't have good news. But do I ever?

My mind is still stuck. I thought it wouldn't happen anymore because of the medicine. Maybe it's taking time to start working because of the days that I couldn't take them.

I couldn't study in a long time. I'm wasting a chance, and I can't do this.
My true feelings seem to be buried very deep, and I can't reach them. I don't know what I'm really feeling or what I really think, if I think at all.

Sudden words like "think!", "Grow up!", "don't even think about it", and when it gets painful, "please stop it" has been popping up in my head more than it should.
I can't even find music to console me right anymore.

It's all a giant blank in my head,and in my chest.

I'm trying to watch movies to react to something, but maybe books will work better.  All I know is I got to wake myself up soo.

To do real write should help too. Like, to write on paper, a manual work.
It used to make me feel better.

---------------------

One of the movies I watched these days was Empire Records, and it is now part of my list of favorite movies. The character I liked the most was Mark, because he respects music and takes it seriously. Also, he is really cute.

And so I'll leave with this empowering gif of him :)

バイバイ

Fuck it, give me the pills

こんにちは。

This week I committed the stupidity of not paying attention on the amount of my medicines and my antidepressant ran out so I had to stay without it for some days.

I didn't think it would make a big difference in my humor so fast, but it kinda did.

I got kinda sad and started to be emotionless and irritated at the same time.
So I asked my mother to buy it for me and I'll start taking them again tomorrow.
I guess I'll have to use them for a bit long time, maybe years.

It was bad feeling like that again, but at the same time I could remember how I used to feel.
It's weird to be too happy cause that's not who I am, I guess.

I'll try to control myself better not to be too happy cause it's no good.
And it's not myself, so I shouldn't do it. Being too happy.
There are other things I should focus on.

 -------

 Anyway, I'm happy that the month is coming to an end. There are things I want to buy but without being charged for it next month cause my debt is already impossible.



👆This is a  new song from Blink 182 from their California Deluxe album (that I'm already wishing). It's simply great.

Well, that's all. Let's hope for time to pass unexpectedly fast.

バイバイ😴

あの瞬間が 私は嬉しかった きっと

こんにちは

I did a lot of thinking these days and it helped. I got more calm and I feel like I'm back to "normal" now. Don't know for how long it will last.

The classes I had this week helped.
I've been feeling more and more comfortable around my classmates.
Maybe we're even becoming friends.

I simply feel really happy around them. Hope I can give some of this for them too.

It's amazing to build a relationship with someone.
The initial awkwardness, getting to know about the person, the feeling welcomed around them and suddenly, on a normal day you just feel so comfortable and happy with them and the word "friend" come into your mind.
"yes... maybe that's what we are now" you think.
And like that you feel a little more secure and grow a bit.

Maybe I'm being too dramatic, but that's how my mind works, and I'm happy. 

So I'll just continue growing and staying small me.

頑張ってしましょう!


￪love this song

バイバイ🍢

A heart on replay

] 

All day, i've been anxious
my thoughts were uncompleted, my muscles trembling
I have been eating like crazy today

I'm stuck again
I was fearing those feelings might come back again

I won't allow it. I just can't.
Yesterday I could already feel myself getting smaller and melting really slowly.

Maybe I should get sad and more calm. That would be good
I want to feel calm, And a sort of emptiness.
They have always been my friends, my allies.
It's just natural that i miss them.

I... don't know if that's who i am... maybe it is, but I hate it.
If that's who i am than I hate it.
I don't wanna be like this. I don't accept it!
 

So the night comes to me again today, this time it feels so friendly
I can't just slamn the door
 

I welcome you, today.