A tight knot for a peaceful mind

I close my eyes
Suddenly I'm in a 24h diner by the roadside
It's past midnight and it's really cold
I ordered waffles and strawberry juice but I can't even touch it
Can't bear to put it in my mouth and chew it
All of a sudden it seems very unnatural, almost a profanity

So there I sit with an empty stomach waiting for something, anything, to change me

I guess I'm just too emotional today
I can feel everything without even touching it: The frozen air, the iron extremities of the tables, the curtains, the fabric of the employees' clothes... 
Maybe that's it
I'm absorbing too much from this world and giving nothing back

I'm sorry universe
I'm sorry that I can't even say I'm doing my best, cause I ain't.
Truth is, I should be out of this world
You and me, we both know this is not my home
All this... I can't understand.

So I take a sip of the juice and get up
Make my way home with my empty mind and heart
It's cold here too, so It's perfect. It's all correct
In this very moment I appreciate the fact that I live in a building
These thick iron bars are meant to prevent anyone from going further than they should, but I think it's time to give them a story.

So with the rope I was supposed to exercise with a knot starts to be made.
Very cautiosly. We don't want to lose this chance.
Repeating the hand movements that used to be done for fun I get to what I need
So I close my jacket tight and look at the view for the last time
It's still very dark but there are some lights on. It must be around three a.m.
While looking at this city for the last time I wish good luck for all these blinded citizens that will open theirs eyes soon. 
I hope they never see the truth I did.

Finally I place it around my neck and pull the knot tight on the back.

Its time to become what I always was: nothing.

Download List: June

This month was quite nice for listening to new music so I updated my ears a bit by listeninig to these songs below.

It's been a cold month here in south america and mnothing better than music to keep my ears and body warm.
So these were the music that got me through surviving this month:

1. Fidlar, No Waves
2. SISTAR, Lonely
3. Maroon 5, Payphone
4. Without You, G Dragon
5. Gorillaz, Let Me Out
6. Zico, She's a Baby
7. Jimmy Eat World, Sweetness
8. 9nine, ジタバタ
9. Ciara, I Bet

 I'm not feeling like writing about them and also it's so cold here that it's hard to type so I'll just leave the list here.

P.S.: My favorite song was "She's a Baby"

Dear money, please come to me

Ok, I'll take my time to talk about money.

Long story short, I'm broke. And there are things I want to buy but can't because I got to save some money too.

Clothes are what I've been feeling most needy now. I don't have much variety of them, actually if you look at my closet, it's quite sad.
No one could have a good image wearing only those clothes.

And there's also my stuff I wanted to buy cause they make me happy. 
A new stuffed toy, a lip gloss, a black and simple backpack, and music (including CDs). 

For now I'll just keep holding myself back and pay attention  to my accounts.

No place for me in here

I've been nothing.

I try to read,  but I can't.
I try to listen to music, but I can't.
I try to connect with anything, but I can't.

I can't feel anything. Sometimes I get euphoric and all smiles, but it only lasts about one hour, then I'm back at being empty.

What I really need is to be alone. Not for some hours in somewhere special, but I need my own house. Somewhere where I can do my stuff slowly and gradually feel like I'm growing up.
I need it. I need my own place.

Meanwhile, I guess surviving it's all I can do.

The clouds will come to protect you, my noble love

I feel sorry about not writing in here for some time.
But it's been a bad month and I couldn't get my thoughts straight
My routine has been me feeling confused and unable to do normal things.

I guess I'm still affected by the robbery me and my family suffered. It was shit.
Now I understand that it was too much to deal with. The disrespect, violence, rudeness, incapacity of defense and mostly, the injustice.
Cause we couldn't get our belongings back, and never will.

Though I'm slowly getting over it, I shall never forget.

For one thing this situation was good for; It reminded me of my childhood dream of getting out of this country. I never wanted to live here; It got nothing to do with me.
Now I'm really calculating my future steps so I can get out of here. I'm thinking Canada.


Step by step, five years from now, I should be close to my dream.

Employee of The Month: =THE DEVIL=

This last month was like someone had lost the keys of my  'bad luck door' that was closed for a long time, and suddenly they found. And when it was open, it was found that there was a great deal of bad luck that kept on piling up behind that door. And before they could think that it was a bad idea and close the door again, a gigantic bad luck wave came out and broke the door and everything that was near it, and spread herself through every room nearby.

I was the house.

Yes, I think I can say that they were unlucky days these last few ones.
To begin, my anti-depressive medicine seems to have forgotten what it was made for and just goes down my body without results. So I've been feeling strange, cold, away, sad, frustrated and unmotivated.

But the golden point was that on Mother's Day, me, my sisters and MY MOTHER were robbed while waiting for a bus to try and have a nice family lunch.
It really affected me. The thoughts of them simply coming and taking away our stuff just kept going around in my head and I would punch walls and beds everytime.

But I guess there was nothing I could do, mostly because I was so frozen and shocked. Now I know I should always keep my cellphone close to me.

Songs of... April~

Here comes another month, and another music list.

Let's go!

1. Kis-My-Ft2 - AAO
2. Kis-My-Ft2 - 最後もやっぱり君
3. Kis-My-Ft2 - MU-CHU-DE 恋してる  
4. Kis-My-Ft2 - Novel (album ver.)
5. Good Charlotte - Makeshift Love
6. Kasper - Lean on me
7. Blink 182 - Parking Lot
8. Green Day - Basket Case
9. Girls' Generation - Baybe Maybe
10. Girls' Generation - Express 999
11. 4Minute - 살만찌고 (Only Gained Weight)

Instead of writing about each song individually, I think I rather to comment them inside of a text. So if I don't make any comment about a song, it's probably because I didn't like it very much😜

I guess the star of this moth was Kisumai, right? I listened to these four songs with passion throughout this month. My favorite song from this album is Novel.
Just love the chorus and the melody. 

This Kasper's song is quite lovely. I simply love the vibe it gets me into when I listen the song.

Basket Case... As soon as I heard the first words I remembered the song. I must have heard it in some teen movie but can't remember which.
Anyway, I still liked it very much. The lyrics are funny too.

Baby Maybe is a song I felt a little embarassed of downloading because I thought it was too romantic. But I miss listening Jessica's voice singing along with the other 8 girls that I had to have this song. I just miss those times.

Express 999 is a song I saw many people talking about, but never checked. Just like Baby Maybe, the biggest reason for me to downloading is Jessica's voice.
But it's GG, guess I would download it anyway.

And my favorite song from the month comes from a sadly disbanded girl group: 4Minute. I had NEVER EVER heard about this song. It's the main song from a single of them but it doesn't even have a MV.
Anyway, I LOVE this song. It reminds me of Nice Body from a singer I don't remeber the name, but without the bad lyrics.
Also, I liked to find an unknown song from 4Minute because like that, it's like they released a new album.

-------------------

Once more I was able to survive another month thanks to music.
It wasn't a good month, but neither it was awful. I just got to wake up from this anesthesia I've been feeling.

Hope this month that's begining to be a better one.

バイバイ

No thoughts in this mind, no life in this heart

I don't have good news. But do I ever?

My mind is still stuck. I thought it wouldn't happen anymore because of the medicine. Maybe it's taking time to start working because of the days that I couldn't take them.

I couldn't study in a long time. I'm wasting a chance, and I can't do this.
My true feelings seem to be buried very deep, and I can't reach them. I don't know what I'm really feeling or what I really think, if I think at all.

Sudden words like "think!", "Grow up!", "don't even think about it", and when it gets painful, "please stop it" has been popping up in my head more than it should.
I can't even find music to console me right anymore.

It's all a giant blank in my head,and in my chest.

I'm trying to watch movies to react to something, but maybe books will work better.  All I know is I got to wake myself up soo.

To do real write should help too. Like, to write on paper, a manual work.
It used to make me feel better.

---------------------

One of the movies I watched these days was Empire Records, and it is now part of my list of favorite movies. The character I liked the most was Mark, because he respects music and takes it seriously. Also, he is really cute.

And so I'll leave with this empowering gif of him :)

バイバイ

Fuck it, give me the pills

こんにちは。

This week I committed the stupidity of not paying attention on the amount of my medicines and my antidepressant ran out so I had to stay without it for some days.

I didn't think it would make a big difference in my humor so fast, but it kinda did.

I got kinda sad and started to be emotionless and irritated at the same time.
So I asked my mother to buy it for me and I'll start taking them again tomorrow.
I guess I'll have to use them for a bit long time, maybe years.

It was bad feeling like that again, but at the same time I could remember how I used to feel.
It's weird to be too happy cause that's not who I am, I guess.

I'll try to control myself better not to be too happy cause it's no good.
And it's not myself, so I shouldn't do it. Being too happy.
There are other things I should focus on.

 -------

 Anyway, I'm happy that the month is coming to an end. There are things I want to buy but without being charged for it next month cause my debt is already impossible.



👆This is a  new song from Blink 182 from their California Deluxe album (that I'm already wishing). It's simply great.

Well, that's all. Let's hope for time to pass unexpectedly fast.

バイバイ😴

あの瞬間が 私は嬉しかった きっと

こんにちは

I did a lot of thinking these days and it helped. I got more calm and I feel like I'm back to "normal" now. Don't know for how long it will last.

The classes I had this week helped.
I've been feeling more and more comfortable around my classmates.
Maybe we're even becoming friends.

I simply feel really happy around them. Hope I can give some of this for them too.

It's amazing to build a relationship with someone.
The initial awkwardness, getting to know about the person, the feeling welcomed around them and suddenly, on a normal day you just feel so comfortable and happy with them and the word "friend" come into your mind.
"yes... maybe that's what we are now" you think.
And like that you feel a little more secure and grow a bit.

Maybe I'm being too dramatic, but that's how my mind works, and I'm happy. 

So I'll just continue growing and staying small me.

頑張ってしましょう!


￪love this song

バイバイ🍢

A heart on replay

] 

All day, i've been anxious
my thoughts were uncompleted, my muscles trembling
I have been eating like crazy today

I'm stuck again
I was fearing those feelings might come back again

I won't allow it. I just can't.
Yesterday I could already feel myself getting smaller and melting really slowly.

Maybe I should get sad and more calm. That would be good
I want to feel calm, And a sort of emptiness.
They have always been my friends, my allies.
It's just natural that i miss them.

I... don't know if that's who i am... maybe it is, but I hate it.
If that's who i am than I hate it.
I don't wanna be like this. I don't accept it!
 

So the night comes to me again today, this time it feels so friendly
I can't just slamn the door
 

I welcome you, today. 

風が最悪です

Hello!


 After a long time (at least one year and a half) of healthy life, i got sick. One day before I had class (Wednesday) I had running nose, but I thought it was just an allergy. But then on Thursday's dawn I woke up with my body aching and feeling like my face were 3 times heavier. That's when I concluded I got a flu.

At the beginning I worried that I wouldn't be able to go to class. But I stubbornly decided that I would go anyway. I simply took a vitamin pill, took a shower and left.

Luckily I didn't stay at home cause the class that day was great.

Also, I did an experience of using a mask, like those flu masks on public and all went well. No one even stared at me or anything. 
Good to know this cause I'll use it in future.
~


Oh, Gorillaz is going to release their new album on 28th April. A couple of songs were already released and we can hope for a really good album.
Also,I found out that Good Charlotte released a music video of a new song and this song sounds much more like they used to on early days.
How I missed it <3 span="">

Seems like I'll have a good number of songs to listen this month :)

バイバイ

Too stupid to live

One more weekend passed by and I didn't do the things I should have done.
Though I'm getting better, it's still not good.
I'm taking better care of myself like hair care, skin care and personal things like these. But I must improve at study, and soon. 

Just recently I realized (actually, completed the thought of) that my course is not that long and that I should use it while I can. I should make more questions to my professor, question all I can actually. Think more.

But when I start thinking about the things I should learn and try to separate them in different categories in my mind, I get dizzy cause it's so much!
And then I get anxious and run. And that's the part where I make my biggest mistake.

It's a little disappointing cause it's been like that since I was little. Always.
I think this is what I am more embarrassed about myself. 
Why is it so hard for me to think? I feel like I've never done it before.
It's like I think that when things start to get bad I can just stop everything and go home forever. Stupid.

I guess life just isn't for me. 
But now I was born and must live until I die.
But I'll always hope for death to be close.


 

Songs of... March~

☆こんにちは！☆

So finally March is over and I can release my Month's music list!😀

The number of songs were a little more normal this past month: 10 songs.

I guess I'm getting back to normal.

And I have good news (for me). I finally could buy new earphones for a price that I won't have to pretend my death because I can't pay it :)

And it's the same model than the other I had, but different color.

It's metallic green. Very rad.

So with this I will be able to listen to my songs and ONLY them when I ride the bus and train. I'm looking forward for not having to listen to people's voice anymore.

Anyway, here's the list:

1. Skins Cast - Baby, It's a Wild World
2. Blink 182 - She's out of her mind
3. Weeping Willows - I'm Falling in Love
4. Jill Cohn - Doormat
5. Man Overboard - Fantasy Girl
6. Man Overboard - World Favorite
7. Gran Rodeo - Trash Candy
8. Luck Life - 風が吹く街
9. Gravity Falls Opening Song
10. Crush - Don't Forget

 And about the songs:

⒈ - Maybe I've already mentioned it here but I'm re-watching skins first season and at the last episode the cast (weirdly) sing this song. The lyrics actually combine well with the story and characters so I really liked this song.
 Though the lyrics are quite sad.
Someday I want to run away like Cassie and listen to this song while I'm leaving.

⒉ - This song just makes me more anxious to buy this album from Blink 182.
I love everything about this song: the rhythm, the lyrics, their voices, and the atmosphere it brings you to when you listen to it.

And being an antisocial myself, I feel honored with this song.

⒊ - I found this song while I was looking for another song that I heard in Skins.
I never actually got to find that song but I found this one that made me satisfied enough.
When I listen to this song I feel like I'm in a 80's living room with a fireplace and with a man in a suit.
And maybe he sings. Don't know.
Anyway, this song is just beautiful. His voice is so comforting, I almost feel like I'm listening to him live.
Lovely.

⒋ - This song is also from Skins except that this time I found the right song.
Basically because I used TrackID.
Well, I like this song because it's a simple song to listen to.
And the slight sadness that it brings is quite nice.

⒌ - This song quickly got into my Mostly played list of my cellphone.
I saw some people complaining of the auto tune of the chorus, but I liked it.
Makes his voice different from usual and it's good to listen to.
The lyrics are cute too.

⒍- Another song from MOB. Ah, just for the record, I download these songs for free from a link I received when I followed the MOB's official Twitter account.
They are so cool for doing this.
Well, this song I think has the usual vibe from their song and like it cause I feel really young when I listen to it.
Also the backing vocal boy's voice appears a lot in this song and I've always loved his voice, so I'm glad I got to know this song.

⒎- As I said on some previous post, I'm watching Bungou Stray Dogs and this song is the opening song from the second season.
I like this song of course, but I wish the vocal were more natural...
but the lyrics are cool and the guitar is the best.

⒏- This song is also from BSD, but it's the ending song. It's the second song from Luck Life to turn into OST for the anime.
And not just because, for they are really good.
This is a band I'll like to keep on listening to.

⒐- hehe... yes, it's the opening song from Gravity Falls... 
I just love it!
This show is great and this song represents it well.
I'm actually using this song as my ringtone right now :)
Immature?  maybe. Brilliant? FOR SURE.

⒑ - I heard this song on an episode of Luna's Alphabet. She played it while preparing for her sleep and it was kinda hard to listen to the lyrics and find it, but when I wrote it with korean alphabet, google found it.
This song is so delicate. It feels like a cold morning when the problems you've been having settled down on your mind and you see things clearly enough for moving on.
Ah, and Taeyeon from SNSD if featured in it! Her voice is angelic in here. It's actually my favorite part from the whole song.
It's a really relaxing song. No wonder Luna uses it to tuck into her bed.

~~~

Yes, so these were the songs I've heard on March.
I'm already preparing April's list and hope not to lose the track of time and write it too late like last month.

That's all and...

またね。🐼

The everlasting month

🌸こんにちは！🌸

March is finally coming to an end,though I feel like it's too slowly.

Not without a reason, since this month had one more week than usual months.

I basically want the next month to come because than I'll receive money.

There are many things I need to buy like new earphones, sneakers, hair cream and possibly new clothes.

hehe

The earphones for me is an emergency so I'll buy it anyway.

About the rest, I don't have much hopes.

~

Tomorrow I have class and once more I'll take the bus and train.

I incredibly like to take the bus and train.

Mostly the train.

And yes, it's because I watch a lot of Japanese things.

Videos like this.

 

My dream is to take a little one-day trip by myself through train. To somewhere where there's not much people and where I can feel the nature~

Someday...😉

￪This is where my little trip idea came from￪

That's all

。。。バイバイ

The fear that comes must go away

こんにちは！

Tomorrow I have class. I'm a bit nervous cause maybe we'll have to show our mixes and my mix came out quite sloppy.

Gotta train muuch more.

Anyway, this week I pushed myself to get some control and continue to watch Bungou Stray Dogs.

And thankfully I did.

Now I'm on the second season and it's so~ good.

Seriously, this anime is very very good I don't know how it isn't trending more.

Now I'm gonna keep watching~

-----------------

This week my sister returned to her college city because her break is over.

And now she won't be back home every week, it's gonna take a little more time to see her.😢

Well, I hope she has a good semester there.

This is her <3 font="">

-----------

There are so many things I still have to work out on myself.

I decided to go back at writing.

Like real writing: paper and pen.

I think I can express better this way.

I'll update myself.

またね。

Songs of... February

Yes yes, I know I'm late. Sorry✋

But here I am for one more list of songs I downloaded on the past month.

This month I feel like there wasn't much I downloaded.

I don't know, I felt kinda stuck musically but now I'm back to normal :)

So here's the list!: 

1. Block B - Yesterday
2. Honey Works feat. GUMI - 金曜日のおはよう
3. 너 앞에서 나는 - Park Kyung feat. Brother su
4. Moumoon - My Darling
5. Shishamo - 明日も

Didn't I say there was not much? It's sad...

But about the songs:

1 - Block B made a comeback in February with this new album 'YESTERDAY' .

This song and MV is relatively cute. I wasn't disappointed.

The only bad thing about this song is that I used it to try to calm myself down before going to school and now when I hear it I feel weird.

Other than that I really liked it.

2 - THIS SONG.

I DON'T HAVE WORDS.

Maybe one of the reasons I didn't download much songs this month was because I was too busy enjoying this one.

Seriously, it's great. 

It's so energetic and empowering...!!!

 I actually got to know this song from ヒロロチャンネル which is Hirona Murata's channel on Youtube.

Just as a reminder Hirona is my favorite girl in the 9nine girl group.

On her channel she basically uploads videos of herself dancing vocaloid songs and she danced to this song, I watched and loved it. 

3 - This song is also new because it came out this month.

It's so so lovely.

Park Kyung's voice is really angelic here.

The lyrics are too romantic for me but his voice makes it worth listening.

4 - This song I didn't actually know this month, but it's only recently I was able to download it on a reasonable quality.

The chorus is my favorite part.

The "Do you love me? of course I do" part hit me straight into my heart.

5 - This song also came out this month. It's from Shishamo's new album.

It's a quite long music with it's 6 minutes but you don't even feel it.

What I liked the most were the lyrics that talks about everyday life and how we work hard and feeling frustrated for not knowing many things, etc.

And I consider it a empowering song for the chorus say:

"It hurts but I keep on rushing.

It's painful, but I keep on rushing"

(↑free translation here)

I hope someone translates it fast so I can know the full meaning of this song.

~~~

Well, that's it.

I'll keep a physical list on my notebook so I don't get confused about the dates I downloaded the songs.

Bye bye!

電車で未来へ行くんだよ

こんにちは！

I feel like I'm more used to the new size of my world now

and now I worry about my performance on school and social life.

Though I think I should kind of give up on social life.

I say "social life" but it's actually just trying small talks to some people.

Still, loneliness is much better.

About the school, we're advancing in studies so it's getting a little more complex and I'm starting to feel pressure... haha.

So right now starts my "not give  a fuck about other people's words and focus on my self-growing" plan.

It's activated.

Tomorrow for school I'll take extra anxiety pills and pray.

Kidding, just the pills.

~~~

Ah, don't know if I already wrote about it here but I realized that I (actually my sister) lost my earphones.

They intra auricular so they were special💔

And I'm kinda poor right now so it's difficult... but I'll buy it as soon as my credit card allows me.

Actually, I've been feeling like suddenly the list of things I need to buy has increased. 

I'll just close my eyes and pass the credit card.

Whatever responsibility comes after this, I'll run from it.

ここまでだけですよ。

またね。

Little clouds above this house

こんにちは、

I didn't write much in here this month, right?

Well, I got thinner this month. I weighed myself and now I have 44,70kg.

So I'm happier, but I could lose some more.

It was February so of course, there was carnival all over the place, so Rayane, my older sister took me and my twin for camping. 

It was really good to kind of shut down the world for two days and act like the world would never come back again.

But it did of course.

And there were bad news when we came back home.

We got home around 9PM and we were really tired so we barely touched our baggage and just went to sleep. On the next day my twin said she was looking for her camera and wasn't finding it at all. That's when she thought and reminded that she could have forgot it on the bus's seat.

And we came to the conclusion that she really did.

She was wishing for this camera for about three years and this year she did it. 

She had it for a few more than one month and then this happened.

Everyone got really sad with it but we went after it and called the bus company, the bus station... everyone we could and left our contacts so they could call us if they find something.

And three days later, incredibly, they did.

Now we are supposed to fetch it on Monday.

Everything's good again and we can call this trip a success.

またね。💖

僕は折れない！

こんいちは！

Yes, I'm watching an anime, haha 😋

It's actually a re-watch 'cause the anime is Tonari no Kaibutsu kun, my favorite anime of all times.

Why? cause it's funny, shoujo, crazy, original and captivating.

The story and the characters are really well built up. Too bad there wasn't a second season. 

I've read the manga and the rest of the story is really cool. I would love to see it turn into anime.

Ah, I've been doing quite well in my course. There was a surprise oral test and I passed it. Could've been better if the date was set before but that's no excuse, I gotta study more.

Ah, Shishamo just released a new album: Shishamo 4!🎉🎉

They also released a music video for the song 明日も (ashita mo). From the few words that I could understand and the melody I liked the song. Hopefully someone will release a translation soon.

Hmm, I guess that's all I have to say for now. 

These days have been good and I'll work hard so they keep up like this.

またね！💤

 

Songs of... January=

Heyy, just realized I forgot to make the last three month's songs list.

But here's january's list. That's good, right?

1. Santana, The Game Of Love
2. Starset, My Demons
3. AOA, Excuse Me
4. Girls's Generation, Trick
5. Nickelback, Too Bad
6. Blink 182, Not Now
7. Blink 182, Dammit
8. Millencolin, No Cigar
9. Millencolin, Penguins and Polar Bears
10. Millencolin, Bullion
11. MIA, Born Free

On a good day of youtube exploration I found these old songs (1,5). There's not much to say except that they're great. Especially Nickelback's song cause it has a feeling that only the songs from that time had.

Also while I was exploring youtube I found these old songs that are actually new to me (6,7,8,9,10). Those blink songs are ridiculous but good, just like their songs used to be. Not that they are bad now ( of course not!), but it was a good phase of them. Truth is, was there ever a bad phase? haha.

The song 2 I listened on a fan made video with scenes of the movie "I Am Not A Serial Killer". And it matched so well with the movie and specially with John. I loved listening to it while reading the second book: "Mr. Monster".

The fourth song is a GG's song from The Boys album and what I liked the most was to hear Jessica's voice on a GG song that was new to me, since I know I'll never be able to hear actually new songs of her with GG.

The third song is a new song from AOA. At first I didn't think much of that song, but what made me download it was the two raps parts of the song with Chanmin and Jimin. And the chorus is not bad so, good to listen.

At last, the 11th song I knew through my sister, since she's quite a fan of MIA.

This song just sound so punk and live that I had to have it on my phone.

And that's actually it.

So, this is the list of january.

Quite a bunch of songs, right? This is probablu because I've been feeling anxious and s little sad about my studies on the new course I'm at now.

And the more bad i get, the more songs I need.

Is always like that.

But I keep on going and that's what matters.

Hope to write here sometime soon and goodbye!